I am sitting on a damp log in the woods, sobbing my eyes out. It is early spring in upstate New York where four of my best friends laugh loudly, throwing sticks around, exploring under rocks, eating cucumbers. We are listening to the waterfall, the dry, early spring leaves all around us. Like every other person in the city, I long for the wilderness, and that once or twice a year I find myself there, I weep. I feel it- can you? What this used to be, what it could have been. How much have we lost?
I am mourning, mourning, mourning. This feeling- it is a gut punching, sickening, grief that comes like a wave, soaking me wet on a day that was already cold.
Is God the Earth? Is everything God? There are so many questions I want you to say yes to… Is Jesus God? Yes! Was Jesus fully human? Yes…Is God us? Did God make all of this? Did God make weed and mushrooms? Am I allowed to ask that in a Christian article?
Keep saying yes please.
Are you guilty like me? Forgetting your reusable coffee thermos half the time? Getting the next airplane ticket, the next online order, the next hamburger, steak, iphone? And we process it by saying that it’s the corporations and billionaires (which it is) and that our impact is so miniscule that it literally doesn’t make a difference (which is true) and yet we know deep in our hearts that it IS all connected. Us, creation, the kindness we give, the hate we carry, the trash we make, the garbage we devour. We cope and we process it all in our different ways – grieving, waiting, longing- and once in a while mustering up the energy to work for something better.
Is using A.I. a sin? All my friends yell “YES!!!” as I swipe away from my Chat screen. Are you judging me now? Would Jesus have used Tic Tok and posted reels? Would he have led us in the great logging off- or would he have utilized these tools in the most beautiful ways possible- reaching out to people through them? Maybe the more important question is this: Would he have railed against the evil forces that be? Would he have served others? Would he have stood up for the smallest, weakest in society, and taught us to love and forgive? Yes, yes, one thousand times yes.
I’m confused, and I’m unsure what the right thing to do is, and I want my life to be easier, and I want to use tools, and I want to ask the right questions, and not be angry, and forgive you, because I want you to forgive me.
And Earth I am sorry. I am so so sorry. For our war, our trash, our cruelty, selfishness. I am so desperately sorry.
To be honest I have never ever written this way- it is my self appointed mission, and my brand to hope, to provide a path forward. I would not really like you to know I use AI. I would honestly not even really like you to know that I eat meat or sometimes forget my reusable cup! I tell people, “this is how we rebuild our clothing relationships, this is how we mend, how we consume more sustainably.” I believe in my work, and know in that deep spiritual way that it does matter. And yet I am so flawed. At my best I am a servant whose impact is miniscule. At my worst I enjoy pretending I am better than you because I run a sustainable fashion brand. Pretending I’m above it all, and that I’m not also looking for the next dopamine hit to get by…
Maybe it’s okay to feel relief when we look back and see humans were always doing such wretched things, we are no worse off than we have ever been. In fact maybe…just maybe…we are better? We are becoming aware of our histories. Our racism and how it lives on, the Indigenous genocide, the patriarchy, the war machine, the capitalistic greed, the abuse within the Church, the abuse of animals, of children, of our Mother. Queer people are coming to Church, creating space for themselves, showing radical forgiveness and empathy in the face of everything that has tried to divide us from God.
In the face of all that is bad, I am writing this article under the guise that you, the reader, is someone who is chill with Queer Christians. Not in the “they exist and God will bring them back to the light way,” but in the “God is Love and we are all Lovingly and Purposefully created in His image” way. And the fact that I could write under that guise- be it true or not- means that there is so much healing that has been done, within me, within greater Christian conversations around Queerness and Love and God. We live in a world where Sufjan Stevens and Meg Stalter exist!
I love hope, and I like it, and I need it, and also somehow I believe in it. I am holding on to knowing that Jesus weeps with us. I’m holding on to a knowing that we are rebuilding. Christians, people of faith, people of Love and Light. We wake up, and center gratitude, and fight, or maybe we don’t fight but we bring peace. We work towards the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. We grieve and so we know we love, we know we are connected through all the energy that exists. In the face of this endless uphill battle, we can hold onto the Truth that we have every tool, plan, and resource we need to make this world better. To center degrowth principles, exist inside planetary boundaries, restore our environments, bring justice, and know peace.
I called my Queer Christian friend Xani and told her I have been on edge for the last few months, getting insane bouts of anxiety over the smallest things. She gave me such clear advice- get out of the city… every month if you can. I hadn’t had it laid out so straightforward before. We see Jesus go into the wilderness when he needs time to think and be closer to God. He balances a public life of service and community with time to replenish, recharge his spiritual connection. The Son of God, the most spiritually connected person of all the world, of all time, did this- shouldn’t we be practicing this too?
So I’m not going to tell you what to do, how to make it better or what the right way is, but here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get back to the wilderness, feel empathy for the littlest bug, and pick up a pile of litter. I’m going to live in radical joy for all we have gained, and yell out thank you, and whisper thank you. I’m going to dance, and sing my little heart out, make my friends laugh till it hurts, kiss all night long. I’m going to weep long and hard, till i’m out of breath and empty, and then I’m going to try again.
Romans 5:5 (NIV): “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us”
And thank you, thank you whoever you are up there, because life is so damn beautiful. Because I too love to start a sentence with and. Because when I read the Bible 2000 years later, Jesus is still the GOAT.
*isaboko https://isaboko.com
Izzy Li Kostrzewa (they/them) is an Asian American designer and artist living in Brooklyn, NY, originally from Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. Their work explores Mixed identity, Queerness, Christianity, and systems for radical sustainability and climate resilience. They were raised Catholic, and still identify as Catholic.
Izzylikostrzewa.com
isaboko.com
@isaboko_
Unbound Social