Between Jericho, Ararat, and Arkansas

Abstract:

Set within the isolating confines of a conservative dorm room in Searcy, Arkansas, this piece explores the intersection of queer identity, institutional religious trauma, and the eventual reclamation of personal spirituality. By utilizing and subverting heavy Old Testament iconography—such as the walls of Jericho, the Ark, and Mount Ararat—the piece speaks directly to the process of faith deconstruction and the profound realization of divine self-acceptance.

Description:

A visceral, lyric flash essay capturing a private moment of reckoning inside a Southern dorm bathroom. Hidden behind a closed door, a narrator navigates the crushing weight of religious shame and biblical iconography to unearth a raw, hard-won reclamation of queer spirituality.

The marble counter was cold, so I pulled my legs in closer, as if by hugging myself I would find not warmth, but self-acceptance. On the other side of the dorm room door, my roommate studied from the book of Joshua and I wanted to shout out that I too had circled Jericho. Seven times for seven days I travelled the walls and blew the trumpet, but my sexuality refused to crack at the foundation or tumble into dust. “Take this thorn from my side,” I begged, but my scales were rooted and Damascus was not a road but a trail of tears that traveled down damp cheeks.

There were traces of white on the surface of the mirror, but I leaned my head back anyway. What more could shame me than my failure to bloom? Or was it that I never was a flower to begin with, only a Northern weed that grew between the cracks of Southern concrete slabs. Heaven knows I had self-watered enough to flood Mesopotamia; but still I was an ark, and one by one I brought myself forth and found shelter on my own from the troubled seas. There was gnashing of teeth but I found Mount Ararat in Arkansas all the same and the dove returned with an olive leaf. It was then that I embraced the rainbow that God had put in the sky of my soul as a reminder. He would never leave me. He created me to be me, even if no one outside that bathroom door in Searcy knew it.

Jeza Belle is an NYC-based author, comedian, and drag performer. “Between Jericho, Ararat, and Arkansas” is an autobiographical reflection on the roots of her journey toward radical self-acceptance. Her creative writing focuses on punchy, raw, and fiercely authentic narratives. Jeza has six published books including the first traditionally published Christian book written by a drag queen, “Jeza’s Jesus Juice,” and four queer historical fiction novels. Find her on Instagram @iamjezabelle.